Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Choices

During the spring of my senior year of high school, I played a tennis match with my doubles partner, Vicki Monteagudo, in which we were ahead a set and several games and then the other team started catching up. My coach came over and told us, "Stop playing not to lose, start playing to win."
I decided a long time ago that life is a series of choices -- every moment, everyday. I look back at this past year and I have to wonder, what the fuck was I thinking? I'm not talking about the major decisions that I made, but more my approach to my life. I thought of everyday as a struggle to keep from losing, but losing what I'm not sure? My perspective on life shifted dramatically after losing my job at The Seattle Times because that single event eradicated much of my self-confidence and self-esteem. I developed an irrational fear that everyone -- my family, my friends, my journalism associates -- would lose all respect for me if I ended up unemployed, espeially after working for the largest newspaper in my homestate (something I considered a major accomplishment at age 22). How terrible is it that my work, my committment and life were reduced to superfluous labor costs that could be eliminated to improve the company's bottom line. I don't know what's worse, that I experienced that situation or that I let myself believe it was a reflection of me.
I spent most of 2005 trying to make up for the fact that I blamed myself for unwillingly leaving Seattle. I have a tendency to think of events, relationships or endeavors in my life as either a success or a failure, which I know now is completely short-sighted. I'm not a loser, I only act like one sometimes.

2 comments:

blythe said...

Hey, lady. I think being in the newspaper "industry" seriously skews your choices. So many of them are made for you, by investors in corner offices. Still, the approach you take is critical. But I've been lucky; so I certainly don't know how I'd react. Basically, you rock my face off. K? K.

Kristina said...

Blanca, you know that you are one of the people I really admire, for your intelligence, strength, courage, and spirit. It was such a huge thing for you to leave the West Coast after all that had happened, but it definitely took guts. And eventhough you might think you copped out by going back to Cali, I think it took major cajones to know that Baltimore was not the place for you and to follow your heart and happiness.

forever sister/friends,
kristina