Thursday, December 09, 2010

I've got the year end blues

I could either be turning physically ill (everyone else in the office seems to be) or have a curious case of end-of-the-year blues. It could be the weather — lots of rain in San Francisco lately. So far everyday this week, I've arrived at feeling tired as if I hadn't slept much at all even though most nights I clocked in at least eight hours. Like today, I was asleep by 11 p.m., quickly dismissed by 6 a.m. alarm and at 7:30 a.m., was still feeling like I could use another hour. I was sad to step out of bed.
Usually December is a busy month in that exciting, urgent and fun way. This year, my December seems to be trolling out of obligation more than anything else. I really don't have too many enticing parties to look forward to and yes, I'm glad to be leaving the country for Christmas, but I'm also sad at leaving behind 2010. This has been a year of disappointments. My important relationships all seem to be teetering on the edge of falling apart or being much more difficult than they used. The siblings, for example. One moved to Mexico against my advice. I supported her, of course, but I didn't like it. The other communicates in caveman-like syllables and then complains I'm mean to him because I can't stand the woman he is "dating." It seems to me that suddenly having opinions about other people makes me a bad person.
I have come to realize that my life in San Francisco, meaning the relationships I have formed here, are starting to unravel. I will return from my vacation to Mexico and Nicaragua in mid-January, around the time two close friends will have or will be relocating to Riverside of all places and Juan, another person who's been a major presence in my life the last two years, will be heading to New Mexico for six weeks. It's a reminder that life is ever changing and nothing, even a name ingrained in stone, is permanent. Everything morphs or erodes or grows. I guess I'm feeling like more erosion is happening in my life verses growing.
It's strange that instead of looking forward to the year to come like I usually do, I lament the passing of time and am instead bracing myself for how to deal with what lies ahead. I've got the year end blues.

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