Tuesday, July 12, 2011


Adaptation (noun): Biology; a change by which an organism or species becomes better suited to its environment.

I spent the last week traveling literally up and down the West Coast and it was wonderful. Not only did I realize how blessed I am to live in this part of the county and be able to enjoy it, I saw so many people in the last week who have touched my life and shown me love. I couldn't have asked for a better week. It also didn't hurt that I finally experienced 90-degree summer weather!
Back home in Washington, I spent four days with my immediate family minus my brother, who was in North Carolina for work, numerous cousins, and my three best friends from high school, Corina, Aracely and Julissa. Wednesday I traveled to meet Stephanie and her boyfriend Daniel in Southern California. Thursday, I headed to San Diego for four days of a sorority conference that ended up being a crazy busy, but also crazy fun, experience. As part of the planning committee, I had a lot of coordinating and tasks to take care of all day and then partied every night. I hadn't had fun like that in months.
The ironic part of all is, however, that the heart can feel so many emotions at once. While I was having this great time away from my normal routine, I couldn't detach myself from dealing with my broken heart. Even as I was surrounded by people I love, I found myself thinking about and missing Juan. I have moments when I feel angry about his deception and the hurt he caused me. Other times I feel disappointed that even though we loved each other, we didn't make it work and it just doesn't seem real or right. Overall, I think I've done a good job of not letting myself feel bitter about the many things that went wrong. I am surprised, however, that I can't get myself to think, "It just wasn't meant to be" and therefore, I should feel happy and relieved the relationship is over. A part of me will always regret and despise the fact that I lost the love of someone I deeply cared about.
I guess that's what adaptation means for me. The sadness I feel about Juan will probably always be a part of me. Even when we learn to live without someone or the pain diminishes or life goes on and other people or distractions come into play, the sense of loss remains. It's not just a memory or a scar. I created a place for Juan in my heart and soul that no one else will ever be able to fill, but that doesn't mean there will never be another person in my life or that I'll never love again. If I do fall in love again, that person will have to carve his own niche.
When someone departs, what you learn to live with is the void. The last few weeks, I've had no contact with Juan whatsoever and that does give me a sense of relief. I know that as the days go by, it will be easier and easier not to notice his absence in my life.

No comments: