reality

As you can tell from my previous post, I'm really excited about Vanderbilt's performance in the men's NCAA tournament so far. I forced myself out of bed this morning to order tickets for tomorrow's game against Washington State. I spent $13o for two tickets. I have decided this is a rare opportunity to support my alma mater and go to the kind of sporting event I would otherwise never attend. I convinced my friend Tommy, who is a WSU alum, to come up from Santa Barbara just to go with me to the game. I can't help but to think that if I were in Seattle, I would have gone to such an event with one of my siblings or a close friend who lives nearby. It's times like these that I think, what am I doing in California other than enjoying the sunshine and trying to be a journalist? I guess that is a pointless question to ask because the reality is that I'm here and have no plans to leave. I can say that I am enjoying the stability in my life I have managed to acheive here, but I know that won't last nor should I let it last too long. Life is about growing, changing and challenging oneself.

My mother and some of my relatives would say I don't have direction in my life because I lack a significant relationship. I strongly disagree because frankly I consider my relationship with God to be pretty significant and I wanted to be a nun when I was younger, so not having a boyfriend is not an impediment to my happiness or success in life. The fact is, I was in love once and the relationship never turned out the way I wanted it to and that left me feeling disappointed. I'm way passed considering the what ifs – what if I had acted differently? what if I had been more assertive? what if I had sacrificed more? what I had said more? what if I had actually said those three little words? – I think things would be what they are no matter what I did. I've come to terms with all of that. What I wonder now is why can't I forgive or forget or at least stop thinking about it? Why can't I look at that guy as a friend because I only associate him with my disappointment? Then I start thinking that I have learned nothing. That I am selfish. That I'm not doing what Jesus would do. That I can't get over myself and be selfless. I think I've pondering all of this because it's Lent and that's the kind of thing you do during Lent. I know life is complicated, but there are times I wonder if I'm doing enough to make my life worth the hassle.

I'm going to see the Namesake tonight. It's a movie I've been wanting to see since I first saw the previews back in December. In two weeks, I'll be boarding a plane headed for Seattle. I'm going to visit my father's grave on the 10th anniversary of his death. We are inviting several friends and relatives to come along. I'm planning to come up with a deep reflection to share that day. My goal is to do that without tears. I won't even wear waterproof mascara.