Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Spill It Part II

I have come to some conclusions in the last few days that now seem so obvious it's embarrassing that I didn't see them sooner.  Like most people, I have made plenty of mistakes, but probably the biggest one of all is failing to chase after what I really want with true dedication and passion. This, I have decided, is as crucial as breathing to live a fulfilled life.
In my last post, I wrote about how I began 2011 with the idea that I really did want to get back together with the person we shall call J. Six months later: dream crushed. What happened in between, you may ask dear reader? I compromised on my ambition.
Realization number two: I let fear and insecurity take from me what I really wanted. Here's what went wrong. I came back from my trip to Central America with a clear resolve, but not a clear game plan. And, as the saying goes, if you fail to plan, you plan to fail. I learned that adage during leadership camp while I was in high school and it's one of few truisms that have proven rock solid over the years.
Speaking of truisms, some are just not true such as "love conquers all" and "all you need is love." Here is a new catchphrase: Love is just the start. You need a lot more, like dedication and passion, to make a relationship work.
So, back to my fatal errors. I was afraid to take a stand and say, "Listen, J, let's stop the BS and get back together." I think I hinted at that idea a few times, but I'm sure I lacked persuasive prowess. Em-bar-as-sing. I also wasn't effective at getting my family to respect my decision to have a relationship with J and I was afraid of losing them.
Instead of making my intentions blatant, I did the passive aggressive thing I tend to do and waited for him to take the lead so I could feel pursued and validated ... well actually because I was afraid of taking a huge risk and then ending up alone with no partner and no family.
I was insecure for a few reasons. Mostly, the relationship had been rocky for a long time, which instilled uncertainty in me. Another problem, the mixed messages that continued up until the last moment when I knew for sure the relationship was over. That was at approximately 11 p.m. June 16. Yes, like five days ago.
Now that my heart and mind area crossing into the "we are better apart than together" territory, I ponder that while my fear was paralyzing, it must have been rooted in a powerful place. Was I closing my ears to keep from hearing the truth that the relationship was doomed? Perhaps, but I also felt an obligation to stay true to my ideals — if you love someone, stick with them till the bitter end.
Now that I am wallowing in the bitter end, an end I never thought would come, I can't say I regret trying to stay true. What I do regret is that I meandered. I let my good intentions lose their fizz the way a beer left out too long loses its taste.  Perhaps I was on the losing track all along, but I wish I had performed more like a winner than a loser. I didn't bring my A game and I'm an A game type of person.

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