Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Getting to Neutral

One of my top goals at the moment is neutrality. That may sound strange, but after several weeks of ups and downs, I just want my emotions to stabilize and get as close to neutral as possible.
Yes, I know life is full of ups and downs, but I'm not talking about life — I'm talking about me and how I respond to life's ups and downs.
One of my favorite prayers, the Universal Prayer, includes the verses:
Make me prudent in planning,
Courageous in taking risks.
Make me patient in suffering, unassuming in prosperity.

I especially like the last line because it refers to being able to maintain your position in life whether life is good or bad. When life sucks, some people start thinking life as a whole is worthless. When life is grand, some people turn arrogant, reckless and self-righteous and take everything for granted. Either way, you're losing sight of the bigger picture.
My recent experience of heartbreak has at times felt unbearable, but here I am, still breathing, still making plans, still looking forward to the future. And, as I told one of my close friends yesterday, I'm actually really good at being single because I'm very social, have lots of friends and can keep myself entertained on my own even when I'm not in a social situation. Thank you, God, for making me a writer/bookworm!
But, I still have my moments when I feel like the most pathetic, vulnerable critter in the forest. That's why my goal is neutrality. I want to stop going to that place where my life feels like the
Worst. Thing. Ever.

At the same time, I've been reading a book about fear that argues that fear is unavoidable, so when you feel fear, you need to process it and move on. Otherwise, you will let it psyche you out, overwhelm you and raise your adrenaline levels, which can, over time, cause longterm damage — physically and psychologically. 
So, that's fear. I think the name of my deep, dark pain is good ol' rejection. It just doesn't feel good when someone you love breaks your heart, no matter how well you can rationalize it or tell yourself everything is going to be okay. At the end of the day, however, that's probably all I can do. Rationalizing is tiring, however. Reassurance, on the other hand, is soothing.
I'm considering a new mantra: "Everything is going to be okay."
I used to rebuff the idea of "Okay," because I thought of it as some kind of second-rate status.
I mean who wants to be just "Okay" when you could be awesome, fabulous or as my cousin Salvio likes to say, "A todo dar!"
Well, sometimes "just okay," would probably be enough.

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