Wednesday, September 14, 2011

The Year 30 BAT

I sat down to do some writing last Sunday afternoon at a cafe — how did I shelve the pleasure of writing in a cafe for so long?! — and ended up writing poetry about being thirty years old.  I haven't written poetry in a very long time and last week I wrote three or four poems. I doubt they are good, but who cares, there's something very emotional and moving about writing poetry; just the act of it.
I have been thinking lately about how years ago, perhaps in my late teens and early twenties, I had major anxiety about thirty one day. I also remember feeling as if thirty was eons away and meant that I would become "old." How misguided was I? Or was I misguided at all?
I'm beginning to realize why turning thirty has felt so pivotal for me. Years ago, I dreaded it because I did some simple math and realized turning thirty would mean that I would have lived more of life without my father than with him. During the time since my father died, these last 14-plus years, it was comforting to know that for most of my life, my father had been a part of it. It's obvious to me now that losing my father at that time, when I still developing confidence and self-esteem and shit like that, was a blow and in some ways, left me very damaged. I resist, however, putting myself in that camp of women who never grew up with a solid father figure and therefore involve themselves with men they hope can be their "Daddy." I know it happens a lot, but no, that is not me. I did grow up living the Daddy's-spoiled-little-princess life and boy, do I miss it!
Of course, there are voids I am trying — and have been trying — to fill for some time, but I'm sure that's true for just about ... everybody.
I've been reading a book about a concept call synchonicity, which I haven't quite fully grasped yet, but from what I've gathered so far, is the idea that events or occurrences happen to you to guide and show the way when you are ready to experience something or make a change.
I could be totally off-base here, but I beginning to think that perhaps "the time has come" for me to take certain steps I've wanted to take, but hadn't been able to before such as finishing my manuscript. I've been wanting to write a book since when??? Since I figured out what a book is, circa age four or five.
Yes, the time is now.

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