Wednesday, December 18, 2013

December, yay!

I've never met a dull December. Each year brings surprises exacerbated by the end of the year, cold weather and overall fatigue from the previous eleven months. I love all the parties, silly decor and Christmas music, but at the same time, I typically exit the year questioning what am I leaving undone, what could I have done better, what's in store for next year?
This year my December took a left turn with an unexpected move to another apartment, making it the second time in one year I've moved. It's ironic in that I spent about six years in the same apartment prior to this and now seems like my address just keeps changing. The whole experience gives me an uneasy feeling that my life is influx and messy. I'm hoping that as I settle in to my new place, I'll start to feel more at home and settled.
But then there's the whole wedding thing. Ha! Even after more three decades of life, I'm still surprised at how new experiences like getting engaged and planning a wedding leave me feeling dumbfounded. I find myself often saying, wow, I had no idea it would be like this — that's a good and bad thing. Some moments, I realize I've never been happier or at least not this much since my father died. I know I will always feel a void in my life because of my father's absence, but ever since I got engaged, a sense of completion and wholeness has washed over me like a pothole in my heart is finally being repaired. I don't it's as simple as, I finally have a man in my life I can love and trust and vice versa or some of fulfillment of an Electra complex. I think it has to do with my heart beginning to feel like it has a place set down roots and borough into. I'm excited about married life with Ramon, so the wedding at times feels secondary. I nonetheless feel the urgency of making sure it's the best party of my life.
So here we are, one week from Christmas. I'm looking forward to what I won't be doing: working or stressing out. One of my favorite Christmas songs is "Have yourself a Merry Little Christmas" because of the lines:
From now on,
Our troubles will be miles away. 
I certainly hope so.

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